I adore being married.

Soppy I know.

I’ve been with my lovely bloke for 26 years and married for 21 and it’s great.

That’s not to say it’s always been great.

We’ve had our fair share of disagreements and bumps in the road. We’ve experienced the death of close relatives, been on the breadline and dealt with the stress that comes with raising three kids.

But it’s not all been bad either and we survived…

So here are my top four tips for making your most important relationships work. (*Feel free to adapt them for a partner, girlfriend, best friend etc)

Communication

And I’m not talking where you are and what you’re doing – that’s what calendars were invented for.

I’m talking about talking.

Proper grown up conversations. It’s about letting each other know how you feel about decisions, exploring disagreements, being able to say “I need some time alone right now” or “I need to be around you more”. It’s about sharing your dreams for the future, your career plans, what values you want to teach your children. It’s about sorting out issues calmly and before they become arguments. It’s about having your needs met. It’s about still being you, whilst being part of a couple too.

Treat them like you did when you first hooked up

Sounds weird eh? But think back to the early days – the days when you made an effort. You may have left them little notes, bought their favourite treats, spent time getting to know what makes them tick.

Life gets in the way. Fact.

And before you know where you are, you’re only crossing paths on the way to football practise, already in your pyjamas by the time your loved one comes home and date night is something you vaguely remember.

Make a little effort here and there. It’s not about spending money, it’s about making them feel like they are still important to you. Bring them coffee in bed at the weekend, text them randomly to tell them they are appreciated, remind them you value them, listen more and talk less. I’m not saying neglect yourself and always put them first – I’m just saying make them feel special when you can.

Time Alone

Again, a bit contradictory – spending time alone helps your relationships?

In my experience it does.

You don’t need to give up your hobbies, friends and space just because you are with someone. There are bound to be things that you love to do that your partner doesn’t. One of you will usually concede if you have different ideas and that needs to happen sometimes. However, you should carve out a little space every now and then for you time. My hubby works shifts and I take full advantage of it – an early night here, a full day of retail therapy there. You get the idea. Don’t get me wrong, I could still do these things when he’s around, but if I do these things when he’s not, it frees up time for us to do something we both enjoy, together.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Bit of a cliché, I know – but putting things into perspective is incredibly healthy when you’re in a relationship.

Pick your battles.

Do you really need to nag them every time they forget to do something or disagree with them in public? It’s hard to be around negative people and moan for long enough and eventually they will stop listening. Think of the worse case scenario – is what you’re going through really that bad?

Practise a little gratitude. Make plans to improve (we always had a 5 year plan to get ourselves out of less than ideal situations). Don’t compare yourselves to other couples – relationships that seem perfect may not always be so. Spend your energy looking for the positives and making memories. Keep your humour and never, ever go to bed on an argument.

These tips have evolved over the years through trial and error and are things we strive to do most of the time. They work for us.

Where in your relationships do you put your energy? Which parts could do with a little tweaking to make fabulous? Think of one thing you could do differently to make your loved one smile.

Everyone’s situation is unique and it’s about finding the perfect formula that works for you both.

 

 

I love words

When I was younger, the visit to the library was the highlight of my week. I would take out the four book allowance (having already devoured two quickies in the corner!) and then put an extra two on my mom’s library card.

Even then I would be hungry a few days later for something new to read.

I was a Martini reader – “…any time, any place, any where…” I even read under the covers with a torch.

I just couldn’t get enough.

Not content with just reading, I also wrote short stories and made them into books – they were about ducks who could talk and creatures from far away lands!

As a young teen I gorged on political thrillers, risqué romance, even the entire works of Sir Conan Doyle! Oh to have had a ‘teen fiction’ genre back then. I would say I missed out – however, having recently read everything in my local library that constitutes a must have for young adults I confess to being fully satiated!

Sadly, as I grew older somehow my idea of writing children’s stories faded. Adult life took over, as it does and my daily diet of literature became stale, infrequent and virtually non existent.

After a particularly bad time in my life I started this journey of self discovery and you guessed it…I started to read again.

I rekindled my love affair with books, ravenously feeding on self help books, graphic novels and anything on the best-sellers list.

Then I remembered my dreams of being a writer.

I wanted to write.

No. I needed to write.

To me, words are inspiring, healing, defining, moving, educating, exciting, relaxing, motivating, connecting.

So I began finding ways to slip words into my daily routine – a bit of journalling here, a handwritten note there. Soon I was hunting for the perfect quote, putting affirmations on the bathroom mirror and having phrases tattooed on my body.

My life was full of words again.

Then I had an idea to start a blog – a reason to write regularly.

I wanted to share my story, share what I had learned , share how I had found my self belief.

The doubts from my teens and early adult life are still there, as I am by no means an expert.

But I write from the heart, sharing my experiences and pain in a bid to help and inspire others.

Each time I hit publish, I wonder if anyone will read my stuff. But it doesn’t stop me because now I write with a purpose and because it makes my soul sing.

Is there something you used to do that you no longer do?

Find a way to add it to your day. It doesn’t have to be momentous but it does have to be something you want to do, something that feels right when you do it.

Something just for you.